“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should see sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Who hasn’t felt it: resentment, bitterness, deep sorrow or sadness experienced in response to a situation or person we believe disappointed us or offended us in some personal way? Indeed, this state seems part of being human. Yet the price of discontent is becoming higher everyday. Often we find ourselves in conflicts that unsettle our peace of mind. We face increasingly qwdifficult situations and at times our problems can seem overwhelming. Pain, anger and fear may arise in ourselves, in families, in businesses and communities and between nations of the world. What is the solution to such complex emotions and situations?

Perhaps the answer lies in forgiveness. Rather than hold the hot rock of resentment any longer, I propose we release it, gently massage the burn, learn what forgiveness is and isn’t, and why it is so important to “let go”.

Research shows that forgiveness plays a significant role in physical and emotional health. Most spiritual traditions encourage the practice of forgiveness. It is becoming evident that emotions such as compassion nurture a path toward greater well-being and deeper connection, while other emotions such as resentment block movement along that path. Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner and author of No Future Without Forgiveness, states: “Forgiving has been found to be good for your health!” Yet how is it possible to forgive when we have been mistreated? Where do we begin? And what is forgiveness, anyway?

I define forgiveness as the experience of peace and compassion felt in the present moment. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or denying that painful events occurred or did not occur. It certainly does not mean that we are to automatically condone another person’s actions. What it does mean is we adopt the clearness of heart to stop defining who we are by those who have hurt us and to take the risk to love ourselves, to validate our own existence, pain and all, from the inside out. Forgiveness means giving up being a victim. It invites a more evolved personal description and a more gracious way of living.

In my work, I have seen many people who have trouble forgiving. I am one of them. Most of these individuals tell me that the major problem is no one showed them how to do it. After working with hundreds of people who have been hurt and have struggled to forgive, I am convinced that the ability to get over these wounds is crucial to health – both physically and emotionally. First, we need a wise understanding of forgiveness. Then we can learn how it is practiced and how we can forgive both ourselves and others.

Basically, there are three areas of forgiveness: One: forgiveness of ourselves; two: forgiveness of others; and three: forgiveness from others.

In accordance with this understanding, three simple forgiveness statements may be whispered in a silent room, in the privacy of your own heart or, if appropriate, shared with an individual or individuals. As a beginning guide, the following forgiveness statements may be helpful:

• Forgiveness for self: For each of the ways I have hurt myself through action or inaction, out of my fear, pain, and confusion, I now extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I forgive myself.
• Forgiveness from others: There are many ways that I have hurt and harmed others, betrayed or abandoned them, caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger, and confusion. I ask for your forgiveness.
• Forgiveness for those who have hurt or harmed you: There are many ways I have been wounded and hurt, abused and abandoned, by others, in thought, word, or deed, knowingly or unknowingly. I forgive you.

Let yourself gently repeat these three directions for forgiveness until you can feel a release in your heart. Perhaps for some great pains you may not feel a release, but only the burden and the anguish or anger you have held. Touch this softly. Be forgiving of yourself in this way as well.  Forgiveness cannot be forced. It cannot be artificial. Simply continue the practice, and let the words and images work gradually in their own way. In time, you can make the forgiveness meditation a regular part of your practice.

Fred Luskin, director and co-founder of the Stanford University’s Forgiveness Project and author of a recent book, Forgive for Good, observes people going through four stages on the journey to becoming a forgiving person. In the first stage, you experience a loss in your life, feel angry or hurt and tend to justify your negative emotions. Blame is common. Often there is a great deal of pain. The second stage emerges when, after feeling upset with someone or some situation, you realize your hurt and anger do not feel good. In this stage, steps are often taken to lessen the impact of the grievance on your life and your relationships. In the third stage of becoming a forgiving person, you remember how good it felt to forgive in past times. In this stage, you become aware of the length of time you experience a situation as a grievance being primarily up to you. The fourth stage of becoming a forgiving person is the most difficult yet the most powerful: you simply become a forgiving person. At all stages you have the choice to forgive. At all stages you choose forgiveness in order to experience more peace and healing. And the deepest healing comes in the exchange of resentment for inner freedom.

An authentically empowered person is one who forgives. This demands courage and integrity and it is not for sissies! Yet we can meet the challenges of a courageous life with what Gandhi called “Soul Force”. In doing so, it may be helpful to remember these truths:

• Forgiveness is not weak or naive. It requires courage and clarity.
• Forgiveness does not happen quickly. It cannot be hurried.
• Forgiveness does not forget, nor does it condone the past. It willingly acknowledges what is unjust, harmful and wrong.
• Forgiveness does not mean that we have to continue to relate to those who have done us harm. In many cases this is not appropriate.

Forgiveness honors the heart’s greatest dignity. There is an exchange of resentment for inner freedom. For me, it has become my life’s work. We must each start where we are. In large and small ways, in our own family and community, we will be asked to patiently forgive, over and over. No matter where we are and what we are facing, within our heart peace is always possible.

“I think that the practice of compassion is like a medication that restores serenity. The great tranquilizer is compassion.”

~ Dalai Lama

Research studies have shown that:

• People who are more forgiving report fewer health problems.
• Forgiveness leads to less stress.
• Failure to forgive may be more important than hostility as a risk factor for heart disease.
• People who blame other people for their troubles have higher incidence of illnesses such as cardiovascular disease and cancers.
• People who imagine not forgiving someone show negative changes in blood pressure, muscle tension, and immune response.
• People who imagine forgiving their offender note immediate improvement in their cardiovascular, muscular, and nervous system.
• Even people with devastating losses can learn to forgive and feel better psychologically and emotionally.

Who hasn’t felt it: resentment, bitterness, deep sorrow or sadness experienced in response to a situation or person we believe disappointed us or offended us in some personal way? Indeed, this state seems part of being human. Yet the price of discontent is becoming higher everyday. Often we find ourselves in conflicts that unsettle our peace of mind. We face increasingly qwdifficult situations and at times our problems can seem overwhelming. Pain, anger and fear may arise in ourselves, in families, in businesses and communities and between nations of the world. What is the solution to such complex emotions and situations?